My last post included the chorus of Matt Maher’s Lord, I Need You, but his opening words were the ones I needed today:
Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You’re the One that guides my heart
. . . finding my rest in you, O God, and you alone . . . not falling apart, because I am centering myself in You . . . not failing to let you guide my heart, because I cannot do it alone.
Knee surgery was not on my agenda, nor my radar screen a month ago. Although pain had escalated to the point of interrupting sleep, making concentration difficult to impossible and walking something to be avoided . . . still I pressed on. I worked long hours in my ministry among at-risk children. I took care of everyone else. I tried to ignore it, until finally pain won.
Inadequacy trumped independence. Avoidance melted into acceptance. A doctor’s appointment led to Xrays, an MRI, and the words, “you need arthroscopic surgery. How about tomorrow morning.”
A week later, I am gimpy. I am humbled. I am submitting wholeheartedly to the physical therapist-designed torture, I mean exercises! And I am determined.
But determined to maintain a healthy balance between what I should be doing and what I think I need to do. Determined to listen, to follow, to heal. And determined to keep myself ever humbled before the Lord, pressing into His heart, and finding rest.
For pain wears on a soul. Years of living within its confines has worn mine down from time to time. Sometimes stifled my time with my Lord. Sapped my strength. Kept me from absorbing what I read in the Word of God. Tempted me to stop trusting in who I know God to be. How I know God will carry me.
O God, how I need you . . . simply falling under the pain, I cry out, O God, how I need you.
It may or may not not be immediate, but God always shows Himself faithful. Breathes life into my dry spirit. Maybe takes the pain, and maybe gives me strength in the pain.
But this week God reminded me of His love poured out through a card from a grandchild. Reminded me of His presence in all our moments through the words of a maintenance worker at our church. Poured out a balm upon my weary spirit through a fellow minister’s prayer over me. God is all I need. God is enough.
Every hour I need You . . . .